My Journey With Depression

I want to start this off by saying that the following is my own journey and my own advice to myself. I highly recommend that you seek out professional advice and help if you are dealing with depression as each individual situation and each individual person is unique.

Most of my life growing up, I was a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, glass half-full type of person. I didn’t even think twice about it, it wasn’t a conscious choice. It was as natural as breathing. I enjoyed the little things in life naturally and I was constantly in awe of the beautiful world that we live in.

At some point in my 20s that changed. Things became darker. I became more negative. I think that in retrospect, part of it was about growing up. I hadn’t faced any huge adversity in my life. School came very easy to me, and I enjoyed learning. When I tackled soccer and acting, I learned and grew and enjoyed it, even if I wasn’t the best. I got into any college that I applied to and I never worried that I wouldn’t.

I continued doing well in school though my grades went down a bit from what I was used to as I had to learn to put my critical thinking cap on. I was a rule follower, and I knew how to draw inside the lines and when first faced with having to share my real thoughts, it was difficult. But I persevered and it got better.

I had gotten any job that I had applied to since I was 17. They weren’t fancy jobs, they were entry level restaurant and hotel jobs, but still, I hadn’t faced that rejection. And then it started coming around my mid-twenties.

I started applying to bigger jobs and I wasn’t getting them. I was being overlooked and overused in my jobs. I was doing the general manager’s job while getting paid peanuts, never moving up because they knew I would say yes to helping without having to give me anything in return. I didn’t realize it back then because I didn’t know how to advocate for myself, and today it’s still difficult. I didn’t know what I was worth at work. I was just grateful to have a job, but sometimes that’s not enough.

Life continued progressing, ups and downs, but my self-talk and self-image were slowly eroding away, and I didn’t even realize it. Over the years, I turned from the optimist to the pessimist, though the common term that was used was realist. I dislike that term though. I don’t think being a realist should have to mean being a pessimist. I think you can be a realist and a dreamer at the same time, but our society likes to put us into neat boxes and it prefers a single label to any hyphenate versions.

Eventually I got my first true office job. For the first couple of years, I did excellently. I moved up and I felt like I was a valued member of the team. To my knowledge, I got along with everyone, both in my team and in the general office. I enjoyed my work.

Once the pandemic hit, things changed. Working from home finally gave me the ability to start turning around my health and I enjoyed working from home. I will also emphasize that the job that I did, including everyone else at the office, could be done 100% remotely with no issue. There was no need to be in person.

However, my office decided to twice open before vaccines. These choices, in my opinion, may have caused coworkers to become infected and be hospitalized. I got a special dispensation to remain at home for a while because my mom was very sick, including with lung issues. Later, I had to come into the office, but I could choose to come in on a day that no one else was there. Why I was needed to show up to an office to sit there alone never made sense to me.

This was also the time that I became depressed and anxious. I was constantly in a state of fear of losing my job or being the reason my mom would become sicker. It was a constant fight or flight mode.

My health suffered as well. I went to see my doctor. I came prepared with a list to prove that I was feeling depressed. I didn’t think she would believe me because I always put on a smile. In retrospect, I also believed that because I could fake it well, that no one believed me in general. I cried in her office. I went on antidepressants for the first time in my life. It took a minute to get the dosage right, but it helped, for a while.

I was trying my hardest at work, but it wasn’t enough. Hearing second hand that my own team felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight, coupled with my boss going back on a promise and lying about it to my face, I had had enough. I ended up resigning, feeling rejected by the people and the job that I liked. It was an awful time.

The strange thing is though, as soon as I made the decision to resign, I felt a weight lifted off of me. I was traveling, and I forgot to take my antidepressants for a week, and I didn’t even notice it. I don’t recommend doing this but all this coming to a head meant that I was realizing that my toxic job environment plus life events had likely caused my depression and in removing that job, I removed my need for antidepressants.

I continued monitoring myself but never went back on them and I felt so much happier. Depression will look and feel different for everyone. My story is just that, my story. Just because your experience may be different, doesn’t make it more or less than mine or anyone else’s.

Depression is not a competition. It’s serious and often requires treatment and there is no shame in that. I hated going through those years but now, in retrospect, I can see the signs that I missed, and I know what to look for in myself in the future. I’m glad that I was able to extricate myself from a toxic situation and I know that isn’t always the case for many people.

I hope that my story will serve as a reminder to you to not be ashamed of your mental health and that getting help is okay. Speaking up for yourself, even when no one is listening, matters. Never give up on yourself. You are, and always will be, the best advocate for yourself and if you feel that something is off with your health, state it, again and again, and find a doctor who will listen and help you, properly.