Navigating Family Obligation
We all must do things that we don’t want to do, or things we don’t feel like doing. Doing taxes every year is necessary but stressful. Showing up to an 8am job when you’re a night owl naturally, is hard, but we got to pay the bills. We must pick up groceries, or at least order them. We might have to take kids to school or pick them up, attend school events that are boring. And of course, we might have to attend family events that are more obligation than enjoyment.
So how do we manage that? I want to focus specifically on the family event portion. Every person has a family, whether by blood or by choice. Regardless of how you define what family is for you, I think that we all have in common the experience of needing to attend and navigate an obligatory family event.
Family obligations can come in many forms. Hypothetically, you might have to attend an event with another family member that is high in narcissism or a family member that practices emotional manipulation. On their own, one on one, you can say no. Saying no to an event with many people, which may or may not include the problem person, is much harder.
Of course, you must do what you need to protect yourself if the situation warrants it but short of that, you might have to deal with the situation as it is, or for the sake of other family members who you are there to support.
Sometimes the event itself might feel overwhelming. I know that when I have to attend an event where I don’t know most of the people, it makes me anxious because I don’t know how it’s going to go or what I may have to do. Large events, no matter the reason, make me anxious, and I prefer smaller gatherings. But I will show up for the people I love for the moments that matter to them, no matter how it might make me feel.
One of the things that I do prior to such an event is to prepare mentally. This might take different forms for different people. For me, it often means taking it easy the night before and then having something to look forward to after the event. Sometimes that’s doing nothing again, but it also might be a trip to a coffee shop or watching a favorite show that I’ve been saving for this occasion. Whatever works for you is fine and if you don’t know what that is yet, just experiment.
Look at other parts of your life, the things that make you happy, and couple that with an event that you don’t want to go to but have to go to, and see if that helps take the edge of, both before and after the event.
Another thing that I keep in mind is to have an exit strategy and limit my time there. For most events, at least in the Western world, you should stay for an hour or two to not be rude. Just because an event is scheduled for 5 hours, it doesn’t mean you have to be there for that long.
That’s where the planning comes in, which then allows you to play it by ear. I will usually plan to stay for an hour and then leave. That’s my promise to myself but then I can also check in and see how I feel. Are things going well and do I want to stay longer? Great, no problem. Do I still want to leave? Great, no problem, I showed up and supported the people most important to me.
That’s why it’s paramount to take yourself to the event because if you’re dependent on someone else, you will be stuck there until they’re ready to leave. In America, this means having your own car to use to take you to and from the event. In other countries, public transportation might be more robust so you can simply take the bus or train as you usually would. I know that having a car isn’t feasible for everyone so having a trusted person able to pick you up, that’s not involved in the event, could be another great resource.
When at the event, take breaks and engage selectively. Avoid the drama. If you have an issue with someone, or someone has an issue with you, avoid them. Do not overshadow someone’s day with your drama. If you need to walk away, do so. Go to the bathroom. That’s a good escape route that I often use just to get a little break and step away. Even if things are going well, it can still be overwhelming and that’s ok.
Don’t let anyone else make you feel bad for your need to step away from a situation or limit your time somewhere. You have to take care of yourself in order to better take care of others, and that includes showing up for them in a way that also makes you feel safe and taken care of.
Do your best with what you have available to you. That works for more than just the obligatory personal family gatherings. Sometimes you have to show up for your partner’s family, even if you don’t know them or don’t get along with some of them. Even if you all get along, it can be draining, especially for an introvert. I know that’s the case for me in any social situation.
Show up for your person, even if you don’t enjoy seeing their family, because it makes them happy. Not everything is about you and sometimes you deal with discomfort to show up for the people that you love in a way that matters to them. Still, keep your boundaries and don’t engage with drama, but show up and your people will see that you are making an effort for them.
If you have had to deal with unpleasant family obligatory gatherings, how have you been able to best deal with it?
