Prioritizing Self-Care
Women are often silently taught to be a martyr for others. Whether that is for their families while growing up, in their friend group, with a romantic partner, or children, it’s almost expected that women will put themselves last. Once everyone else is taken care of, then maybe you can take care of yourself.
I have never understood this position, literally or figuratively. How can you take care of someone else without first taking care of yourself? Why do I, and my needs, matter less than everyone else’s? Why is it supposed to be my primary job to take care of everyone around me?
I don’t believe in living my life like this. I refuse to be made to feel guilty by people who don’t know me nor my life. I will not accept the voices of strangers telling me that I’m not good enough, especially when they don’t know my story.
I believe that you first have to show up for yourself so that you can then show up for someone else. When you are at full strength, or close to it, you can accomplish so much more for yourself and your loved ones. If you continually sacrifice yourself, who’s going to show up for you when you need it when you have taught them not to?
I believe that self-care is a fundamental part of physical and mental well-being. By taking care of yourself first, you build a strong foundation upon which to build your life. Then you can take care of other people and other tasks that need to be done.
By not taking care of yourself, you are allowing pieces of you to fall away. Eventually, you will wear down so far that you won’t recognize the parts left, let alone have the ability to start picking up the other pieces and putting yourself back together.
Self-care will look different for everyone because we all have different needs. If you are unsure of what it looks like for you, start experimenting and see what pops out. I feel like sometimes people imagine self-care as a hugely expensive spa day once a week, or something equally ridiculous, but self-care shows up in different ways at different times.
For me, it shows up as time spent alone. I’m an introvert so I value my alone time and my family understands this. I will go shopping alone at Barnes and Noble or take a long drive by myself or take myself to the movies alone. For me, this is self-care. It allows me to recharge my batteries and then I’m able to show up as a better version of myself for them than I otherwise could. What does it look like for you? If you don’t know, what do you want to try first?
Maybe having a specific night routine, and not allowing others to disrupt it, is a form of self-care for you. Maybe watching your favorite show or spending an hour a day reading is your form of self-care. Maybe it’s having a spa day or having your nails done or playing sports.
Whatever it is, you are valid in your need for it, whether the people around you understand or not. Positive people in your life will support you in feeling your best, even if they don’t understand what you’re doing.
Negative people will try to hold you back, breaking your boundaries and ignoring your dedicated time for yourself. They will try to guilt you into believing that you are wasting your time or that your time could be better spent.
It’s interesting how often those negative people will believe that your time could be better spent helping them, doing their to do list or taking care of them in some other manner. Consider what value those people bring to your life and whether they are worth holding on to.
If you live alone, this might be easier to do since you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. But if you live with family or roommates or a partner, talk to them about what you need for your self-care. Is it an hour uninterrupted? Is it sleeping in and asking them to be quiet on a certain day?
When you live with people, there is compromise but it should not be about your self-care activity. For example, if your self-care activity is working out uninterrupted for an hour, let them know that. Then, work with them on what time works best for all involved.
Just because you cannot get your first choice, it doesn’t mean that your partner or family member is standing in your way. It’s not other people’s jobs to bend over to your will, any more than it should be expected of you. If you want an hour alone to watch your favorite show, tell those you live with and enforce those boundaries. No questions during that time or requests for assistance. Unless the house is burning down, there is nothing that needs attention so urgently that it cannot wait an hour.
Just as those around you need to be flexible with you, you also need to be flexible, not just with them but also with yourself. I have a tendency that if something doesn’t go just as I planned, then the entire day is ruined and nothing is worth doing, and I’ll just start over again tomorrow. I bet many of you feel that way too.
The problem is, a perfect day where everything goes to plan is rarely a reality. Don’t let things not going in the order that you want them to derail you from your self-care.
I like working out when I’m alone. Right now, for the most part, that works out. But I’m also learning that if I cannot do it while I’m alone, and my only option is with a full house or not at all, then so be it. I can close the door and still have a kick-ass workout, even if it’s later than I planned and not in the conditions that I planned. Because I know that working out will make me feel better, it will release pent up energy, and it just plain makes me feel good. It’s worth doing because I’m worth the effort from myself.
So, when are you going to start?
