Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage occurs when your thoughts or behaviors interfere with your overall well-being, consciously or unconsciously undermining what you want in life, keeping you stuck in the same place.
While it may not affect every area of your life, for me, it manifests in my physical health and my journey to become a better version of myself.
One way self-sabotage appears in my life is through the illusion of perfection. I set a date, promising myself to be perfect this time. Inevitably, I fail because I’m human and perfection is impossible. This failure allows me to constantly start over, never truly being accountable for my actions.
As the start date keeps moving, nothing seems to matter. If I do succeed, I can point to a specific date as the beginning, conveniently ignoring the numerous failed attempts that came before.
My self-sabotage also includes procrastination and negative self-talk. I postpone tasks that could improve my life, whether they’re simple administrative duties or more significant actions like completing a workout for better future health. I tell myself, “Why bother? It won’t make a difference anyway,” which allows me to continue sitting and watching TV.
For years, I’ve wondered why I fear failure and have such low self-esteem when I seemingly have most of what I want or need. I think I’ve become comfortable in the in-between – making just enough progress for others to notice and praise me, but not enough to reach my goals.
I often wonder what would happen if I lost the weight. Would I suddenly become the happiest person on the planet? I know that’s not true because true happiness comes from within, but why do I allow the albatross of weight to remain around my neck? Once I achieve my goal, will I be praised or looked down upon? Does it matter?
The fear of change is real, encompassing both positive and negative changes. The unknown is scary in this context, unlike when I travel and the unknown can be exciting. Why can’t I embrace it when it comes to improving myself? What becomes of my identity if the obstacle I’ve built it around no longer exists?
Sometimes, it seems easier to stay in my comfort zone, self-sabotaging to remain stuck in a cycle of sameness, than to face the uncertainties of the unknown.
My self-sabotaging behaviors include binge eating in response to emotional triggers and stress, followed by attempts to eat very little the next day until I inevitably overeat again. I set unrealistic weight loss goals, not accounting for normal fluctuations or my menstrual cycle. I postpone workouts, always telling myself I’ll start tomorrow. When I eat something “bad” I decide to start over the next day. I struggle with an all-or-nothing mentality, aware of its detriment but unable to change it.
While these behaviors are unique to me, you might share some of them or have your own forms of self-sabotage. It could be avoiding medical check-ups, isolating from family and friends, misusing medications, staying in toxic relationships, comparing yourself to others on social media, overcommitting to work, or refusing professional help when needed.
At the core of self-sabotage is fear. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. I’m just as afraid of succeeding as I am of failing, so I stay in the middle. It’s safe and familiar, both to me and to others. Changing can be uncomfortable, and I might lose people I thought were close. There’s real grief in losing who I was. The old me, while not perfect, got me through life. It’s okay to mourn this change, even if it’s positive.
I’m still in the middle of my journey, learning and growing. I look forward to who I will become. Who do you want to become?
