The Art of Saying No
Our world is filled with endless opportunities and activities that we are asked to partake in incessantly. From our jobs to our families to our friends, even strangers for that matter, everyone always seems to be asking us for something or to do something or to support something. It’s overwhelming. Even if each individual item seems small and innocuous, when accumulated, it will become a mountain. And it will happen without you even realizing it.
One common reason that we say yes to so many things is because we fear missing out on what’s going on. We fear missing out on a possible road to promotion by skipping that work event. We fear that our family will talk about us in a negative way if we miss that family dinner. We fear our friends will stop asking us to do something fun with them because we have had to say no a few times.
However, saying yes too much will lead to burnout. It will lead to an overfilled calendar with a bunch of events aimed at pleasing other people, not ourselves. Pleasing other people will not move the needle on our dreams, hopes, and desires. In fact, I think in many cases, we say yes to avoid having to face our own goals and dreams and potential for successes and failures. We instead choose to overcommit so that we are filled with action with no results, and therefore no chance of failure.
Saying yes to everything is also a sign that we lack boundaries. When offers come in for various things, you need to step back and consider, what does saying yes mean? What does saying no mean? And from there, prioritize what you do want, and need, to say yes to and what you should be saying no to. Be mindful though, feeling like you have to say yes is not the same thing as needing to say yes.
An example of needing to say yes would be that a friend of yours helped you move and then, a while later, they ask you to help them move. This friend showed up for you when you needed someone so it’s only right that you do the same in return. Of course, do not do so at the peril of your own physical and mental health but bar that, show up. Otherwise, there will be a crack in that relationship, whether either of you see it yet or not.
There is a balance to saying no because each situation has its own dynamics. When it comes to things professionally, you may feel the need to say yes all the time. However, I think that will ultimately hurt you at the company more than it will help you. The key in this situation is to find a balance. Observe and see what sort of tasks you are being asked to do. This includes both during the workday as well as events that are taking place outside of regular work hours.
Instead of constantly saying yes to someone asking you to take care of a task that they could do themselves, but don’t yet know how to do so, instead offer to train them on it. Or create a step-by-step instruction on how to do it and send it over the next time they ask you to do it for them. You say no, get your time back, but also provide them with the tools to take care of it themselves. Providing alternatives to a flat out no, like this, is an excellent way to ease the transition into saying no.
Perhaps your company loves to do weekly dinners, or monthly events. You don’t have to show up to all of them. Find out the schedule, and then pick. If your company does weekly after work events, like dinner or happy hour, go maybe once a month to socialize with your coworkers and then say no. If your company has monthly picnics or sporting events, maybe go every other month or once a quarter. You are still showing up for your company, but on your terms.
Similar dynamics can be applied to your family and friends, even significant others. In order to say no, you first must establish your own boundaries, and then you must share them with the people around you. Someone cannot respect your boundaries without knowing them first.
Peer pressure can be daunting and I’m sure there will be people at work or in your family and friend group that will try to get you to come to this or that. Stand firm in your decision. Eventually, they should get the hint.
Something new takes time to get used to, and that’s okay. Constantly berating you for not showing up or talking down to you, or not learning your boundaries, is not okay. In situations like that, you must consider your tie to those people and whether they are worth keeping around. Healthy relationships, all around, are healthy because people respect each other, and each other’s choices, even if they don’t always agree with them. Unhealthy relationships are one-sided, where one person will always try to be the winner by getting you to bend to their will.
When you practice the art of saying no, what you’re really doing is practicing self-care. Start with where you are and make sure that what you are doing aligns with your personal goals and personal values. Your life will have a better balance, and your stress will be reduced because you will have less things to run around for. Always consider the ask, and consider where you are at. One month you may have to say no because it’s too much but that same event a month later might be something that excites you, and that’s okay.
I know it can be hard to say no, especially to our loved ones. It can seem even more impossible at work. I know I’ve always been a people pleaser at work, but I also realize now that that has never gotten me anywhere. All it did was lead to burnout and depression. Even in hindsight now, the thought of saying no scares me. But I know it will lead to healthier relationships overall and greater mutual respect.
If saying no to work seems daunting, start with something smaller. Say no to a friend. Or vice versa. Whatever is a low stake situation to you, start there, and then work your way up so that you regain a balance in your life. Don’t mix respect and a feeling of being needed with someone taking advantage of you.
How are you going to practice the art of saying no first?
