Understanding the Five Love Languages
You might think the five love languages are exclusively for romantic relationships. That’s what I used to think. In reality, they provide a surprisingly deep look at what we desire from all our relationships while holding a mirror up to our past and what we may have lacked.
We all want to receive and give love. Sometimes, how we express love doesn’t go over well if the person doesn’t understand that’s what we’re doing. And vice versa. You might not feel loved when someone shows you love in a way that doesn’t resonate with you.
Let’s review the five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation: Showing or receiving love via words. It’s praise, appreciation, compliments, and encouragement.
- Quality Time: Undivided attention. Spending meaningful time together without distractions.
- Receiving Gifts: Getting and giving objects. It’s about thoughtfulness, not expense.
- Acts of Service: Showing care by completing tasks for someone. It’s about shouldering burdens to make someone’s day easier.
- Physical Touch: All about touching. Hugs, holding hands, small kisses, caresses. This one seems most geared toward romantic relationships.
My primary love language in a relationship is physical touch, but overall, in all relationships, it’s words of affirmation.
I love being hugged by my partner, holding hands, stolen kisses in the grocery store aisle. I like being pulled in unexpectedly, leaning down for a kiss, our legs entangled while talking or watching videos. This is reassuring because I’m not naturally touchy-feely. I feared it would be a turn-off, but I was wrong. Thankfully, we share this primary love language, making it easier.
It can be challenging when love languages aren’t shared because it boils down to miscommunication. My love language isn’t giving gifts. If someone continually gives me gifts, I feel guilty for not reciprocating, and the idea of giving gifts is overwhelming and stressful for me.
However, my overall primary love language is words of affirmation. If a friend’s love language is giving gifts and mine is words of affirmation, we might both remain unhappy and feeling unloved. But if we understand our love languages, we can meet in the middle. My friend can encourage me or commiserate when something goes wrong. I can find things my friend likes to show they matter to me.
It’s interesting to consider why these are my primary love languages. I can’t explain why I love physical touch from my partner despite not being touchy-feely generally.
Words of affirmation is easier to understand. While I always got praise from my parents, I never did from friends, acquaintances, or extended family. I think it made me hungry for their approval, contributing to my people-pleasing tendencies. I dismissed my parents’ praise, thinking they had to say those things. Only later did I realize that isn’t necessarily true.
Even today, I struggle with not getting words of affirmation, but I’ve rarely voiced that to people. I hope to become more open about what I need from relationships to be happy, and I hope others in my life will do the same. I think we’re often too scared to be honest, and instead of something stinging momentarily, we end up in unhappy relationships for years, sometimes a lifetime.
I want to change this for myself. I want to be happy and make my loved ones happy. That starts with knowledge. So, what’s your love language?
