Releasing Emotions on the Page
Sometimes I feel frustrated, like I want to scream, but I can’t. Like a coil is wound so tight inside of me, ready to explode, but has nowhere to go. It’s like being stuck, drowning in mud. I look fine from the outside, perfectly functional, but I also want to tear my own face off and make it into confetti and run off, escape, and let go of everything.
I’m trapped in an invisible cage that I cannot get out of. And yet I still have to adult. There are still responsibilities, people who depend on me, things that need to get done. And through all of this I have to keep it together lest other people judge me for losing it, for not being able to handle what everyone else does.
Except I’m not everyone else. And neither are you. And no matter how it may appear to others, what you feel, though invisible to them, is valid, and worthy of not being swept under the rug. In any case, the rug can only hold so much.
Some people have found a way to deal with their anxiety. Maybe they go for a run or do some other type of exercise. Maybe they do cleaning or mindless admin tasks, and that will work that feeling out of them. But sometimes it’s just a band-aid, and sometimes it just won’t work. And sometimes, you don’t have the time to spare on any of those activities or you simply don’t have the brainpower to execute them in a manner that will solve the coil within.
There’s another way. I have used it before and I continue to use it today. To be honest, I was surprised that it worked when I first did it but it’s pretty simple. Take out a pen and paper and write down absolutely everything, big or small, on that piece of paper, that’s giving you any kind of anxiety or feelings or anything else you cannot name.
Yes, I believe it must be paper. It will connect you more to the words that you are writing, especially if you don’t use pen and paper often. Writing it electronically might work for you, but it hasn’t for me. It’s too impersonal. Disconnecting, I believe, is part of what needs to happen, so I choose, and recommend, pen and paper. It also has the added benefit of forcing you to slow down, to face even in the most miniscule of ways the words that you are writing down, that are holding you hostage in your mind.
Any feeling, good or bad, that bubbles to the surface, write it down. Use strong phrasing, like “I hate”. Do not hold back in your wording. Call out moments, feelings, people, anything that is creating anxiety or similar feelings in you. Nothing is too big or too small.
Think of it like a brainstorm. Unload the reason and why that reason is making you anxious. “I hate that my dad has cancer because it means I might lose him”. That’s a sentence I wrote, among many others, when there were a lot of things that I was dealing with, a lot of pent-up emotions that I didn’t know how to handle, all hitting at once. Write out where it might lead, what could happen, what you fear. List everything. Do not hold back.
When you’re done, you will probably feel emotionally spent, tired. That’s good. It means that you have taken everything that was inside and put it outside of you, outside of your brain. You have given voice to the things that are hurting you, confusing you, making you angry or sad or frustrated. Sit for a moment in that empty feeling. Allow yourself to exist in it.
Finally, do whatever you want with the paper. Throw it away. Keep it. Burn it (safely). Tear it up. Whatever comes to mind. I wanted to burn mine but was too scared to start a tiny fire from a spark so I tore it up. I felt empty the rest of the day and for the following days, I felt, neutral. My coil inside was gone.
It almost felt like I didn’t feel anything at all for a few days. That’s not quite accurate but it was such a welcome reprieve from the weeks before that. Some of those anxieties never returned. Giving name to them was enough to remove them from my mind. Some I dealt with head on and got through them. And some I had no control over and had to wait and see what would happen. Even for those though, that level of coiling didn’t return.
Bottling things up is never a solution. When we give voice to our fears, we take away most of their power to control our lives and our thoughts. Writing things down doesn’t on its own solve any problem, it just gives voice to what you are feeling. And from there, you can work on making the issue smaller, solving it, or finding steps and ways to deal with them appropriately.
When you put pen to paper, and give name to your feelings, it starts the process of healing. The empty feeling won’t last forever but it’s a start. For so many things, just naming them is enough to handle what you are feeling. And it will also allow you to differentiate the small and inconsequential things that don’t need to be there with others that truly need your attention. Honesty starts within. Give it a go.
