Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is hard, at least it is for me. I’m afraid of rejection and of being seen as difficult so I tend toward the more people-pleasing lanes of things. I know it’s not healthy though and if anything, it makes me want to avoid people.

If I avoid people, then nobody will ask me to do something I don’t want to do or get me to say yes to something I don’t want to do. This seems eminently easier than having to enforce boundaries.

However, if I want to live a balanced life, and not miss out on opportunities and experiences, I need to learn to set and enforce boundaries. I also need to realize that other people not respecting my boundaries is about them and not me. Boundaries do not make me difficult. Choosing not to honor my voiced boundaries makes those people disrespectful.

Boundaries come in many forms, and some may be more applicable to you than others. Physical boundaries might involve maintaining your own personable bubble, not having people stand too close. It may involve not wanting to hug someone, even if they are a self-proclaimed hugger, and doing a handshake instead. It might be asking someone to knock before they enter your room or asking before borrowing something you own.

Emotional boundaries might involve saying no to a family or friend gathering because you don’t have the emotional capacity for that in that moment. It might involve not sharing personal information just because someone asked or shared theirs. It might involve not making a decision in the moment because you need time to think it over. It might involve enforcing a self-care time block to allow you to recharge.

Mental and social boundaries might involve respecting differing opinions and ideas even when they clash with yours. It might be knowing when to engage or not engage in discussions. It might be to create a space to focus and think when or where others are not around. It could also be leaving a gathering early or preferring text over calls or not answering when someone comes over unannounced.

When you don’t enforce boundaries, it can lead to resentment and burnout, both professionally and personally. If you are already feeling those things, take stock of what has been going on for the past few days, or past few weeks, and see if the reason might be due to a lack of boundaries or the lack of enforcement of existing ones.

We are worthy of respect, and of speaking up for ourselves, if existing boundaries are being ignored. The harder part, for me at least, is establishing those boundaries. I have resented people for breaking my boundaries but I also have to recognize that I never told those people my boundaries so they never had the chance to show me that they would respect them. That’s on me.

The first step to establish boundaries is to be assertive and direct. Don’t hedge or couch the language. Do not fake an excuse because eventually you will run out of excuses or people will run out of patience with you. That isn’t enforcing or breaking a boundary. That’s hiding.

For example, I could say “I feel overwhelmed when you call before noon” because I’m not a morning person and I like starting and planning my day in silence or it throws my entire day off. Or if someone invites you somewhere after work, be honest. I could say “I need some quiet time because I’ve had a very difficult and draining day”. There’s no need to add that you might want to do something another time, just leave it as it is.

You don’t have to give a detailed excuse for your boundary to be valid. Most people should understand that and not push it and if they do ignore it repeatedly, then you need to reconsider their role in your life or the words you chose to set your boundaries. Stay strong. I know that’s hard, I’m terrified of it, but I know I need to do it.

I’m a person that will overthink and play out different scenarios in my mind of how things could go. When I must make unfamiliar phone calls, I will create a script for myself so that I’m better prepared. I can take that and apply it to boundary creating. I can make a script for myself, practice it and then say it. Or better yet, for me, I can write it out in a succinct manner and show it to the person. This way, I can make sure to say exactly what I need in the manner I prefer.

I know some people will say that speaking is better, and maybe for them that’s the right way to go. I’m stronger in gathering my thoughts and communicating via the written word. This ensures I get my initial points across as I want. Then, for me, it’s time to talk, for questions and answers. This works for me because I created a solid foundation for myself to build from. Ideally, and in my experience, this allows the other person to take in the information and then allows for a calm discussion.

If you explain why your boundaries are important to you, and what they mean to you, then it should help the other person understand and respect your boundaries, even if they don’t share your feelings. Do your best to surround yourself with people that will honor and respect your boundaries.

The biggest thing is to be consistent with your boundary. If you set a boundary but then keep breaking it yourself, the other person or people will think that it’s acceptable to break your boundaries. If you are doing it yourself, clearly it isn’t that important, right?

Consistency starts with you. Also, there’s nothing wrong with seeking help with setting boundaries or with dealing with someone who will not respect your boundaries. You can seek help from friends and family or even from professionals.

Also, allow for people to have time to adjust to your boundaries. Mistakes may happen but you should be seeing them trying and learning to respect your boundaries, even if it’s via small steps.

If someone is used to calling you, and you picking up, then they will probably still call you even after you told them that you prefer texting. Keep reminding them, answer less, and text them back. You should see it turn around little by little.

If, on the other hand, they call and you ignore it, text them back, and then they continually try to keep calling you, then they are not respecting your boundaries nor attempting to try. Do not be afraid to reevaluate this person’s role in your life. Even if you cannot cut them out, you can lessen your contact. Be open to discussing your boundaries but do not let others decide your boundaries for you.

I know this is easier said than done. I struggle with telling people how I really feel because frankly it’s easier not to. But if I want to grow and become the best version of myself, I have to be honest with the people that I care about so that they have a better understanding of me. I have to allow them to show me that they can respect my boundaries, even if they don’t quite understand, as I can and will do for them.  

What’s the first boundary you want to create for yourself?